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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24204181">To Be Loved</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/truerowdyvoid/pseuds/truerowdyvoid'>truerowdyvoid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Death Note (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Fingering, L's POV, M/M, New Relationship, PIV Sex, Sexting, Trans Male Character, inexperienced L, trans!L</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:21:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,711</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24204181</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/truerowdyvoid/pseuds/truerowdyvoid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>L didn't expect to fall in love, and he especially didn't expect to be blindsided by feelings for the Task Force's most average member. Can he embrace their differences?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>L Lawliet/Touta Matsuda, L/Touta Matsuda, Lawtsuda - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>96</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>L blinked a few times, the burn of eyelids against cornea telling him that he’d stared at the screen satisfactorily long enough. If it didn’t hurt, he was slacking. This was true in many aspects - the ache of his back after hunching over a computer for hours, the recurring carpal tunnel pangs from typing too much… the ache in his chest whenever he thought too hard about his relationships. He knew none of these people he’d grown so fond of would be here if not for the work. And he knew that if he got too close and started feeling satisfied by their interactions, he was losing focus. Spending time with Light troubled him in this way frequently. To be known in the way Light knew him, to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>understood… </span>
  </em>
  <span>it was a sign that he was slipping. He wasn’t here to be understood, he was here to understand. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Another way he was failing: the more time he spent with Matsuda, the </span>
  <em>
    <span>less</span>
  </em>
  <span> he understood. To be confused by such a foolish man was surely one of his lowest moments. He glanced over at the detective, the only other occupant of the room currently. He was slumped over in his chair, snoring softly. L knew he had his own apartment, there was no reason for him to sleep here. Confusing. He got up and circled over to the chair across from Matsuda, settling in quietly enough that he wouldn’t be noticed, and studied him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was in many ways average. Average height, average build, average intelligence. L took note of the way his hair flopped almost over his eyes, the slight rise and fall of his chest. Seeing him asleep, it was easier to tell he had long eyelashes, and when he wasn’t yammering away, his cheeks looked soft and plump. So did his lips, barely parted right now. When L’s gaze fell upon that detail, he felt a twinge of… something. Something. He wasn’t sure what. Repulsion that Matsuda was sleeping on the job? Quite possibly. Equally likely, relief that he wasn’t talking. And perhaps relief that he didn’t notice L’s scrutiny.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As if on cue, his eyes fluttered open a few times, brow furrowed under the bright overhead light. When he noticed the man sitting across from him, he sat up straight and winced.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“S-sorry, Ryuzaki! I didn’t mean to fall asleep!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay. It’s not as though there was anyone else here to be disturbed by your snoring.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I snore?” Not getting any response from L, who was walking away, he frowned, face reddening. “Were you waiting for me to wake up? Is that why you were sitting there looking at me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not at all. I was simply thinking that you need a haircut.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm, maybe. Coming from you though… geez.” He fiddled with his bangs. “Is it that bad?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is there a reason you sleep here and not at your home, Matsuda?” He perched at his desk and took a sip of tea.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not particularly. It’s usually an accident. Would you rather I leave?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” He left it at that, not mentioning that the warmth of his presence and the white noise of his breath was comforting in ways he didn’t like to think too much about.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh. Um… and I guess there’s another reason. But if I tell you, you can’t tell the others, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That will depend on if I think it will impede the investigation. Proceed.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I… ever since the investigation started, I’ve been having trouble sleeping.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You could have fooled me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not here. But, when I’m alone at home… I don’t know. It’s just the thought that if something happens, if Kira finds my name while I’m asleep… I don’t know. What if Kira kills me and I’m alone?” His voice cracked slightly, and he turned away. “I don’t want to die alone. If I did, who knows how long I’d sit there, anyway? You guys would probably just think I chickened out on the investigation and give up on me. I don’t want that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>L pursed his lips. He’d told them all over and over again that they had to be willing to die for the cause. This was the first time anyone had broken down and confessed fear. Matsuda didn’t seem particularly unwilling to die though, so long as he wasn’t alone. Surely that wasn’t breaking the rules, right?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re welcome to keep sleeping here,” he finally said. “But if you go home, and if the worst occurs, I promise I’ll take it seriously and try to get in touch either by phone or in person as soon as something seems out of the ordinary.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Matsuda seemed surprised at this, blinking a few times. He fell silent for a moment, then said,</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks, Ryuzaki. You know, maybe you’re not as cold as the others make you out to be.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I am a blizzard, </span>
  </em>
  <span>L thought. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll extinguish your warmth if you’re not careful. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Sighing, he chastised himself for the theatrics and turned back to the computer.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You know, I really don’t appreciate when you talk about me like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L looked up from his monitor, to find Matsuda hovering over him, hands on hips. He looked… angry? No, more exasperated. Lips downturned at the corners, brow furrowed, eyes pleading quietly. For what, L didn’t know. Despite himself, he suddenly felt a bit sorry for his remark.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“... I’m not sure what you mean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think you do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Elaborate,” L sighed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-I know that I always laugh along when you guys make fun of me, but it’s hard not to feel like you all hate me sometimes. I don’t know. Maybe you all do. Maybe I’m not smart enough, maybe I’m not suited to this line of work, but if that’s the truth, I wish someone, anyone, would have the guts to just say it to my face already.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L stood up to his full height, the extra couple inches he had on Matsuda bolstering his confidence. Matsuda glanced away, seemingly regretful now, though his cheeks remained red out of shame.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where is this coming from?” L asked. “Why now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because… because… I mean, we’re alone, I wouldn’t talk like this in front of the other guys, but you… I don’t know. I think part of me thought you were different. Part of me wished you were different.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, maybe I wish I was different too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then change! Be nicer! Make friends, get a hobby, I don’t know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to know how I wish I was different?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wish I was more like you,” L snapped. “I wish I didn’t care what people thought of me. I wish I didn’t have to prove myself, every day of my life since I was a little kid. Do you know what it’s like, being a </span>
  <em>
    <span>child</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and seen as a means to an end, not a person? No, of course you don’t. When you’re gifted, you’re expected to change the world, and when you can’t, because you’re a child, or you’re sick, or there’s just something fundamentally </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span> with you, you’re suddenly worthless. There’s always someone better-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Until there isn’t. You’re the world’s top three detectives, for God’s sake-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you understand how hard I have to work to do that? Have you ever worked that hard in your life, Matsuda?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think I’m not trying? You think I don’t want to do that? I want to work my ass off and get what you get out of it, but every time I try, I get laughed at! You all treat me like a joke. A-and maybe there’s something fundamentally wrong with </span>
  <em>
    <span>me, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and that’s why no matter how hard I work it never seems to benefit anyone, but that doesn’t make it okay to be so mean to me. Ever since I was a child, people have been mean to me. I just-” Tears welled up in his eyes, and his voice cracked as he continued. “I just wish I was good enough, dammit!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L felt like he’d been punched in the chest. How many times had he thought that about himself? How many times, under the tutelage of Wammy’s, had he wondered what he’d be worth to anyone if he didn’t have his gift? He distinctly remembered asking Watari, </span>
  <em>
    <span>when will I be good enough to stop practicing? </span>
  </em>
  <span>He didn’t remember the answer. He didn’t know if there was one.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Matsuda, I-” He gulped, and when he spoke, his voice was softer. “Did they tell you, as a child, that you weren’t good enough?”</span>
  <span></span>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They told me that too. But there’s a secret that they didn’t tell us - all children are good enough.” He leveled his gaze with Matsuda’s, who had been shocked into not crying anymore. “They don’t want you to know it, because then they don’t have power over you. But it’s true.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It still hurts.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t see that ever changing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know if-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Matsuda.” He laid his hands on the other’s shoulders, and they both fell silent. L held the pose for what was probably a few seconds too long, before pulling Matsuda close and pressing their lips together. Matsuda jerked his head away and L let go immediately. They stared at each other, and L felt the same demon on his shoulder that appeared every time he felt romantic thoughts about someone. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’ll never be good enough for him.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “We should go to bed. Um. Separately.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I reacted like that.” Matsuda’s voice was so quiet he barely heard it. “I guess because I wanted it for so long and had assumed you didn’t. I felt like if it ever happened, it’d be me hurting you by not controlling my emotions. So it felt wrong. I guess I never felt like I’d be good enough for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L, staring at the floor, gave a small laugh. The irony of it all. Who knew he’d end up seeing himself in this man who he had assumed was different from himself in all the best ways? </span>
  <em>
    <span>To be loved is to be understood. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The thought flickered in his head once before disappearing. No, he wasn’t loved. He was… whatever this was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can we, um, can we try again?” Matsuda asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They approached each other, each awkwardly raising his arms trying to figure out how to embrace the other. L was gawky and weird, made of pointy angles and bony ribs and hips. Matsuda was… not so awkward, physically, but more than made up for it behaviorally. Finally, they both put their hands on the other’s hips, looked each other in the eye like men, and their lips met so naturally that L forgot the previous attempt had happened at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His lips were soft but chapped. His breath tasted like coffee, and not the sugar-saturated stuff L drank. His hands were firm on the protruding hip bones. Decisive. For once he knew exactly what he was doing, L supposed. Soon one hand lifted to the back of L’s neck and L could tell he was trying to dig his nubby, chewed nails into his skin, failing pitifully. It was a comfort nonetheless. L slid his mouth away, kissed Matsuda’s jaw, and found a soft place in the crook of his neck to hide his face. The amount he felt himself blushing to was unreal. His ears were on fire. He tried to stop himself from trembling, but couldn’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ryuzaki, are you okay?” Nothing. “L, are you okay?” he repeated, whispering this time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L didn’t answer. He was too caught up in how </span>
  <em>
    <span>human</span>
  </em>
  <span> this made him feel. He’d never been held like this. He was simultaneously struck with the desire to kiss Matsuda many more times and the urge to run very, very far away. It was satisfying, to be touched in this way, so much that it almost hurt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ryuzaki…” Matsuda squeezed him a bit tighter and nuzzled near his ear. “It’s okay. I get it.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>L’s phone beeped a few times. He put down his slice of cake and realized the whole task force was staring at him, save for Matsuda.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um… yes?” he muttered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who contacted you?” Soichiro asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L glanced at the screen and feigned exasperation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it, Matsuda just sent me a meme.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why does he have a different ringtone than the rest of us? I thought you only did that when someone was important,” Aizawa snickered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I changed it so I would know not to bother checking it,” he deadpanned, feeling torn between keeping their cover and respecting Matsuda’s feelings re: the playful insults. It was, of course, not true. He’d changed it the night they’d kissed, exactly one week ago. Matsuda had not texted him since then, and they had not spoken about what had happened. There had never been a proper time, they hadn’t been alone, and it was weighing on L. He was glad, though, that Matsuda had taken the initiative to reach out, because he was sure he could’ve done it himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: I’m going to leave at 10PM and wait in my car. When you’re sure the others are gone for the evening, text me, okay?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh, L did love scheming. Perhaps Matsuda had picked up on this and was trying to grow closer through this convoluted - albeit amateur - plan. He put his phone on silent momentarily so no one would hear the sent ping, and simply sent back “yes”. Matsuda’s phone must have been on silent as well, because it did not go off, though when L turned around a few minutes later to discreetly gaze at him, he looked up from his work and gave an amicable smile, not unlike what he would normally do if he caught L looking at him, only this time his face was a little pink.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>10PM came and went, and sure enough, Matsuda ducked out. The other members slowly trickled out of the room, until eventually the last one, Soichiro, bade L farewell for the night. L waited exactly fifteen minutes to make sure none of them came back, checked that Watari had retired to his separate room and was sleeping, then texted Matsuda to come back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few minutes later, a knock at the door. L opened it and was nearly bowled over by Matsuda.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, I just don’t want anyone to notice me,” he stammered, pushing by anyway despite the apology. “I brought you something.” He held out a pink cardboard box, the same tone as his blushing face, and smiled. His hands shook a little bit, maybe from nerves, and as L examined the box, his expression grew more tense. “Please open it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” L couldn’t help a small chuckle. He was just so… cute. Ugh. He took the box. Inside there were a few different types of cookies, four of each. Chocolate chip, raspberry jam… he nodded and took a bite of one. It was incredible. “Thank you. It’s delicious.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I made them myself!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>You</span>
  </em>
  <span> made these? They look so professional.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I like baking. At first I was gonna give you a box of chocolates but then I thought it’d be nice to do something from the heart.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>From the heart. Did L really have his heart so easily? He felt his own face heating up, and put down the half finished cookie to take Matsuda’s hand and draw him close. They locked eyes for a few moments before L spoke.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry we haven't talked about… this, yet.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. We were busy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I really do like you, Matsuda. I’m being honest when I say that. I know it’s probably difficult to believe anything I say, but…” He ran a hand through his hair, averting his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I believe you.” His smile was broad and unrestrained, like a child’s. His teeth weren’t perfect, but were still cute in their own way. L couldn’t recall ever thinking someone had cute teeth. Maybe it was his own heart that had been captured. “Ryuzaki, I like you too. Maybe we could text more often. I don’t want to impede our work, but maybe after hours. Or I could go back to sleeping here and we can spend time together when the others leave, I wouldn’t mind that. I was afraid to after we kissed, I didn’t want to make it weird, but if you’re okay with it-”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay with it.” And here it was, the mile-a-minute babbling that had truly grated on L early on, but had somehow become endearing. “Matsuda. Would you like to kiss me again?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure!” Without hesitation, he gave L a quick peck on the lips, pulling back before he could even reciprocate. And then another. L placed a hand on his shoulder blades to keep him in one place, and kissed back, hard. He coaxed Matsuda’s mouth open, slid their tongues together a few times. He’d kissed before, sure, but only to get the experience of kissing. He’d felt odd, being a young man without any experience, and didn’t find it that strange to have a one night stand or two to get that knowledge. Only now he realized, he didn’t have experience </span>
  <em>
    <span>kissing-</span>
  </em>
  <span>kissing at all. It was totally different when there was emotion behind it besides the lust. The way Matsuda smiled against his lips was particularly jarring and thrilling in equal parts. The pressure of his arms on L’s waist relaxed him even as he felt his abdominal muscles tense against his will. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they broke, out of breath, the sound of Matsuda’s soft giggles made L forget the constant low hum of the computers. He hadn’t realized how much the buzz bugged him until there was something lovely to drown it out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That was nice,” Matsuda sighed, starry-eyed. “I wish I could stay the night, but everyone already saw me leave. I want to be in bed with you. You’re good to hold.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can’t possibly think that. I’m so bony,” L laughed in disbelief.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, our bodies fit well together, I think.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Bodies. </span>
  </em>
  <span>There was one thing Matsuda didn’t know. L took his wrist and pulled him to the couch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wha-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to kiss you more.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine by me. But wh-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L cut him off with a kiss, and Matsuda’s muffled laughs quickly turned into heavy moans as L kissed his lips, his neck, nibbled near his ears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, Ryuzaki-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L ground his hips into Matsuda’s, and smiled in satisfaction when he felt the other’s hands cupping his ass.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s okay, right?” Matsuda breathed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes. It’s okay to touch under my shirt, too, if you want.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lucky me.” He trailed his fingers down L’s scrawny waist near the waistband of his pants, squeezing at the taut muscles. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Higher. Go higher. Just figure it out so I don’t have to say it.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Eventually, with a huff, L resorted to sitting up and removing his shirt. One moment, Matsuda was confused, then the shirt passed over L’s eyes and it was clear that the other man understood, seeing the binder. “Oh! That’s a surprise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good or bad?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Neither, just… a surprise. I don’t mind. Um… sorry, hold on, I want to be respectful in how I phrase this. Um, do you mind being touched there? Or anywhere else?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, no. Not at all. This,” he said, pointing to the binder, “isn’t for me. It’s for you and the others. I don’t mind my body, but I figure it’s just less confusing for other people if I look this way while being a man.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh! That’s great. I mean, I’m sorry that you’ve gotta wear that to make things less confusing for us all, but I’m glad you don’t mind.” He was pointedly </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> staring at L’s chest. L guessed that he wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But, maybe next time you’ll get to touch. It’s getting late.” He climbed off of Matsuda and put his shirt back on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, yeah. That’s true.” He got up, smiled and fixed his hair in the mirror. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” He kissed L on the cheek and ducked out of the room before there could be any further comment. L touched the spot where he’d been kissed, in awe of how that felt more intimate than making out.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>L pulled the blanket over his lap. Usually, when he jacked off, he simply locked the door (which of course he had done this time as well) but this occasion felt more… vulnerable. Because of who he was going to involve? The muddled feelings he associated with Matsuda made him feel soft, like a snail without a shell. He sighed in exasperation, shook his head, and jammed his hand in his pants.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With the other hand he texted,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[Ryuzaki]: Are you awake?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The reply was almost instant. A picture of Matsuda’s sweet smiling face, with the caption, “of course”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[Ryuzaki]: What are you doing?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: just watching tv. you?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Ryuzaki]: Thinking of you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Ryuzaki]: Do you want to see my chest?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: aw that’s sweet! i was thinking of you too</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: oh, i didn’t see the other message. sure? but i’d feel bad not sending anything of my own. but a shirtless pic from me doesn’t feel like it has the same weight? idk does that make sense?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L would, of course, have been satisfied with that. But if that’s how Matsuda felt, far be it from him to complain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[Ryuzaki]: You can always send me a dick pic.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Several minutes passed. L busied himself by idly playing with his pubic hair, twirling it around one finger. It never occurred to him until that moment that this might be seen as odd, and he paused, glad that Matsuda was not there in person. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: i thought nobody liked dick pics and guys weren’t supposed to send them?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Ryuzaki]: Explicitly consensual dick pic-ing is okay. I would like to see yours, in any case.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: okay gimme a minute</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L smirked, held his camera up, and snapped a photo of his tits. He examined the image. Small, but with some weight and sag to them still. Medium-sized tan areolas and nipples. Good lighting.  A solid picture, if he did say so himself. He sent it with the caption “some inspiration for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few minutes of rubbing his clit later, he got the text. Sure enough, it was Matsuda, pantless, hard as anything. He had helpfully provided his hand for scale, holding his cock lightly. It was of average length, maybe a little thick. Pinkish brown. Not too veiny. L felt the heat of arousal in his cunt and started typing a response. “I wish I could have that in m-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: sorry it took so long, i had to workshop it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Ryuzaki]: What do you mean?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]:.....i asked the bros if the picture was good or not. i couldn’t tell</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L burst out laughing, thankful he was alone. He didn’t know who “the bros” were. Did that mean the task force or other friends of Matsuda’s that he didn’t know about? He hoped Matsuda had the sense to lie about who the final recipient of the image was. Regardless, the situation was comical. He didn’t know how he’d respond if he got a text like that from a friend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[Ryuzaki]: It’s good, don’t worry. I like it. I want it inside me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: fuck, you’re making me blush!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: your chest looked nice btw</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: i just came</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Ryuzaki]: Congrats. I’m close too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ignoring all further texts for the time being, he slid a few fingers into his cunt, wishing desperately that the hand wasn’t his. He’d become so wet, it was easy to put three fingers in. He thought of the way Matsuda’s hands had felt on his ass. The way his lips tasted. The sound of his moans. Fuck, to think all of that was </span>
  <em>
    <span>real, </span>
  </em>
  <span>to think there was an actual man who cared about him attached to all the abstract things he liked about Matsuda, that was incredible. Bucking his hips against his hand a few times, he gasped as he came. When he caught his breath again and wiped his hand off, he picked up his phone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: i cant believe you still text with perfect grammar when youre about to orgasm lol</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: will i ever get to see that?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Matsuda]: you cumming, i mean</span>
</p><p>
  <span>[Ryuzaki]: We can make arrangements for you to spend the night sometime soon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Saying his goodnight, he smiled and held his phone to his bare chest, the cold screen tingling against his skin. Soon.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You working late again, Matsuda?” Mogi asked as he put on his jacket to leave. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I figure that since I’ve got no other commitments, why not?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good on you. See you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they were at last alone, Matsuda stretched in his chair, groaning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you have some ibuprofen? My neck is stiff.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, of course.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Matsuda swallowed the pills with a gulp of water, a couple drops spilling out the side of his mouth. He then pulled out his phone and started scrolling through social media. L coughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you remember when we texted about you staying the night?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Matsuda cringed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, sorry. I was too nervous to bring it up…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you nervous about?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Y’know, just being intimate with you for the first time. I don’t want you to think less of me if I’m not good at it. Are you saying you don’t get nervous with things like this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not particularly. I’m more focused on having a good time.” This was, of course, a lie. As much as L wanted to savor the experience, part of him just wanted the first time to be over. He couldn’t imagine it </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> being awkward, given the participants. Assuming the awkwardness would fade with practice, surely it would be better after this first occurrence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mm. Do you mind if I shower first?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s fine. Don’t be long, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Matsuda smiled and kissed him before heading to the bathroom. L went to the bedroom and stripped, lounging on the bed. He studied his own body, scrawny and pale. He wondered if his angular hips hurt Matsuda when he pressed against him. He imagined accidentally elbowing his partner, or biting too hard, or any number of other things that could go wrong. Taking a shaky breath, he toyed with one nipple in an idle attempt to soothe himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Matsuda knocked at the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come in.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was naked save for a towel wrapped around his waist. Oh, he looked good. Softer than L had expected, in quite a pleasing way. He grinned, bashful.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow, you look… wow.” He settled down on the bed beside L, took his hand and kissed the back of it. “You’re cute, you know that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Don’t lie to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey! None of that.” He seemed offended on L’s behalf, which was baffling. How could he care so much about L’s self image? Why did it matter to him? “Hey. What are you thinking about? Are you having second thoughts?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, just… thinking.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine, fine, you don’t have to tell me. Can I kiss you?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmhm.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They kissed a few times, and L found it hard to close his eyes. Matsuda was just so nice to look at. Despite his professed nerves, his face looked peaceful as they kissed, and again, he couldn’t seem to stop smiling. L rubbed his back, and he brought up one hand to cup the side of L’s jaw, fingers tickling his earlobe. L took a shuddering breath. He hadn’t realized how much he liked that. Matsuda definitely picked up on it, and kept toying with L’s ear as he kissed lower, his chin, his throat, gently, lovingly. He didn’t use his teeth, and that was okay. Hickies would be hard to explain. Instead his gratuitous use of his tongue made L clench his thighs together, hoping for some release as he imagined what that mouth could do in other areas of his body.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is nice,” Matsuda blurted suddenly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I, um, can I take this towel off? If you don’t mind. I mean, I’m not totally hard yet, so I get it if you want me to keep it on. I wouldn’t have to want to look at a limp dick. But the towel’s kinda damp and uncomfortab-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, yes, that’s fine.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Matsuda removed the towel. He was half hard, but L liked feeling his cock against his leg. After taking a moment to appreciate that, he cleared his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Matsuda, I don’t want you to be nervous.” His voice sounded a little stern as it came out, and he cringed internally.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not that nervous,” he huffed. “I just wanted to be respectful is all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re nervous. I can tell. I’m not going to hurt you, you know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t mind if you did.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh. </span>
  </em>
  <span>That was a new development. Matsuda looked embarrassed at having said it, but L brushed the statement aside for the moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What I mean is...you’re safe with me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mm. Thank you. C-can we keep going?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L nodded. Matsuda raised a hand to L’s ribcage, eyes asking permission before straying higher. L nodded, and as he kissed L’s sternum, he took one breast in his palm, giving a few light squeezes every so often. L couldn’t help but groan, arching his spine against Matsuda’s touch. Matsuda let out a quiet laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I like that,” L murmured.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me touching your chest?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And your laugh.” His heart ached a little as he watched Matsuda’s expression soften. The other man nodded and laid his head to the gap between L’s breasts for a few moments.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I like your heartbeat,” he purred.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s the same as everyone else’s.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But it’s coming from you, so it’s better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L chewed at his lower lip. He took a few breaths, biting back sentiments that would surely make him look weak if spoken aloud. Finally, he said,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please finger me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Fuck…” Matsuda lifted his head and repositioned himself to lie beside L, their heads level with one another. He traced a few fingers up L’s thigh, eventually reaching the hair crowning them at the center. He fumbled a bit trying to find L’s clit, but noticed the way L tensed when he did, and smiled. “There?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does it feel good? I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to have those parts.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> good. People with clits actually have more nerve endings, so it probably feels better than whatever you feel.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I… can’t imagine that. Crazy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Press harder.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You got it, Chief.” He froze. “Oh god, I just called you - I was trying to be funny, I -  I promise I’m not thinking of-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine, just keep going.” Matsuda was such a mess that L wondered why he’d felt nervous in  his presence in the first place. After observing the man for weeks, he should’ve come to the conclusion that he’d be a trainwreck in bed as well. Matsuda seemed lost in thought for a bit as he continued to rub L’s clit, but eventually got back into the groove, kissing him as he did it. For his part, L was eating up the affection. His thighs were twitching. He wanted more, so bad, and he knew he’d be ready soon. “Put a couple fingers inside me, please,” he sighed happily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, okay.” Matsuda slid two fingers into L’s cunt, slowly at first, then bobbing his hand faster once he saw the result that brought.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nn…” L tried to stave off orgasm, furrowing his brow in concentration. Sometimes he could cum more than once, sometimes he couldn’t, but he felt it would make Matsuda happy if he came while they were actually having sex. “P-please, fuck, I want you in me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You want me to fuck you?” Matsuda asked, breathless.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-I want to be on top, fuck, please!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, shh, it’s okay. Let me get a condom.”  He climbed out of bed and fumbled through his pants pockets. “Shit, I know I’ve got one somewhere, hold on.” L groaned in exasperation and arousal as he continued touching himself. “There, god..” Once he’d put it on, Matsuda rolled onto his back, holding his cock to guide it into L’s hole. Fuck, it felt so good to be filled up. L kneeled on the bed and bounced, gasping every time. For his part, Matsuda had a death grip on L’s skinny thighs, and he couldn’t keep a straight face. He was bright red all the way down to his chest, and couldn’t resist moaning. Eventually he clapped a hand over his own mouth to keep himself quiet. L laughed, out of breath.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck into me,” he demanded, planting his hands on his lover’s chest for leverage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Matsuda said nothing and obeyed, pushing his hips up. L gave another raw laugh. To have complete control over this man… it was a dream come true. A power fantasy fulfilled. He felt his cunt tightening again and again, and knew orgasm was not far off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, ah, Matsu-” He broke off as he came, stopping his motions even as Matsuda kept going. He fell completely silent, only regaining his voice as he leaned over, panting, when it was done. He stayed like that for a long time, and Matsuda stopped thrusting, instead holding him tight and kissing his hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shh, it’s okay, you’re okay.” When he was met only by L’s ragged breath, he asked, “Um… </span>
  <em>
    <span>are </span>
  </em>
  <span>you okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L gave him a shaky thumbs up, head still down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to keep going, or…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L lifted his head, smiling as he regained control over his breath.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go for round two.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The feeling of being curled up beside his partner was unreal. Being so close to another person was not L’s forte. In a way it felt more vulnerable than sex.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Matsuda, are you awake?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm? Yeah,” he yawned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I confess something?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure.” His voice was drowsy, and he hugged L a little tighter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was really nervous before we had sex. Even though I said I wasn’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I could tell. I wasn’t going to call you on it, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? You knew?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I knew. You looked so tense. And you were doing that fiddly thing with your hands that you do when you’re nervous.” He kissed L’s forehead. “Don’t worry about it. I understand. G’night, love you.” The last sentence trailed off into sleep in such a way L wasn’t sure he heard it, and if he did, whether Matsuda meant it or not.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>To be loved is to be understood. To be loved is to be understood. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Again, the phrase flashed in L’s brain and again he tried to ignore it. But to his horror it began morphing before his mind’s eye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>To be loved is to be understood.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>To be understood, I must be loved.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I am loved.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I am loved.</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Ryuzaki, are you even having fun?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm?” L snapped back into focus, gazing up at  Matsuda’s sweet face. He looked concerned. “Of course I’m having fun, why?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can tell you’re a million miles away, what gives?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dunno. Maybe you’re just a bad top.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, okay, sorry.” L sighed. “I can’t stop thinking about the case. When I’m just laying here, passive, with nothing to do, my mind wanders. I can’t just focus on pleasure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Matsuda got off of him and laid down, an arm over L’s waist.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that why you always want to be on top?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I need something to keep me busy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mm. Do you want to stop?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, but I wanted to propose an idea to you. Would you be comfortable bottoming?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You mean being on the bottom while you ride me? Yeah, of course, we’ve done that before.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I mean if I pegged you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Matsuda’s face flushed even more than before, and he stammered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I, uh, I don’t know. I’ve never done that before.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Matsuda, no offense, but you absolutely look like a man who’s stuck a finger or two up there out of curiosity.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can tell?” he asked under his breath, before shaking his head. “N-no, I mean I’ve never done it with another person. Or with a toy, for that matter. Do you even have what we’d need?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I ordered supplies because I wanted to be ready for this day. Do you want to try?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um, sure? I can’t guarantee I’ll be good at it or like it, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s perfectly fine.” L got the lube, dildo, and harness out of the dresser drawer where he kept them. The dildo was one he’d owned for a while. It was black, silicone, and modestly sized. He set them beside the couple on the bed and repositioned himself so his hands could reach between Matsuda’s legs. After applying some lube to his index finger, he began kissing his boyfriend’s chest, keeping eye contact in the way he knew Matusda liked. He slid his hand to his ass, lightly rubbing his hole. Matsuda yelped.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>cold</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’ll warm up from your body heat, calm down.” He said it with a slight smile, and Matsuda returned it, albeit worriedly. “You’ll be fine,” he added, kissing him. They kissed again and again, L’s finger circling as they did. He did hope Matsuda was able to relax enough to handle it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mm, that does feel nice. Can you start putting it in. Slowly, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>L pressed his fingertip a few times until Matsuda gave way. Slowly, he entered him. He began kissing him again even as his lover’s mouth became gasping as he pressed against his prostate. Matsuda’s moans were low and sweet. It was music to L’s ears, the sounds he made. The way he clawed at L’s back as he began stretching him with another finger was tantalizing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There you go,” L whispered. “You’re doing well.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, Ryuzaki… harder…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve got it.” He bobbed his wrist faster, deeper, curled his fingers and pressed against that spot Matsuda loved so much. He took his other hand and grasped his cock, jerking him off. Watching Matsuda, L could tell he was close to coming undone. He realized the dildo would be unnecessary. “I love seeing you like this, Matsuda. You’re so cute.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, fuck-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can cum, it’s fine.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, I want it to last longer,” Matsuda whined. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can do it again another time, it’s fine. Cum for me, Matsuda.” His laser focus seemed to spur Matsuda on, and he rolled his hips against L’s hand, thick ropes of cum spilling onto his stomach. Without hesitation L leaned down and licked it off, allowing the salty seed to melt in his mouth before swallowing. The two of them looked at each other, panting. L excused himself to the bathroom to clean his hands off and get a moment to think. People like Matsuda weren’t prone to trying new things. He liked to stay in his comfort zone, L knew. To allow L to do this… it was big.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he returned, Matsuda had covered himself with the quilt, and gave L a tired smile. L got under the covers with him and rested his head on his shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That was fun,” Matsuda said. “Sorry we didn’t get a chance to do more.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay.” He paused. “Matsuda, the first night we had sex, you said something as you fell asleep. I wanted to know if it was true or not.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh? What was it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You said you loved me.” Damn, he wished his voice hadn’t broken on that last sentence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Of course it’s true. How could I not?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>How could he not…</span>
  </em>
  <span> This didn’t compute to L. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you love me, Ryuzaki?”</span>
  <span></span>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” It was out of his mouth before he could ask himself the question </span>
  <em>
    <span>do I love him? </span>
  </em>
  <span>He’d been focusing so hard on whether or not he was loved that he didn’t know if he was doing any loving. The immediacy of the response was the answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad. Are you able to relax now, knowing that I love you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m always relaxed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Whatever you say.”</span>
</p>
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